It's entered my consciousness lately that much of our lives are dictated by un-written rules, which in many cases, no-one has any idea of where they came from. The 'shoulds' and 'should nots' of our lives can so easily cloud our vision to what is actual and what is true. And the idea of truth, is in itself a very difficult concept to grasp. What is true for you, may very well be a polar untruth to me. I have been pondering these things for a while and they confuse me. I know that if I have a problem, I could ask twenty people for advise or their angle on the situation, and I will more than likely recieve more than one solid piece of advise. I believe it is important to gain perspective from people around us, especially when during extreme emotional or distressing times, our own judgement can be clouded. But ultimately, there needs to be a choice. Even if all of the advice or recommendations are worthy of attention, there still needs to be an executive decision made to which direction one will take.
For me, I have probably mentioned this before, but I have tended to live either in an absolute mind-set. The rigidity of this is very paralyzing and leaves very little room for tweeking. As I have recently started to learn, thoughts, emotions, life, is an organic system that needs watering, and the space to grow. If we are bound by the 'rules' of religion, family expectations or societal doctrines, then we ultimately restrict ourselves. Not that any of these things are negative either. I know that most of our value and belief structures and developed during early childhood. So it's a matter of sortin out what is beneficial and what is no longer needed to face what comes next.
Again, random thoughts that have peaked my attention, hopefully there is some sense in there.
Till I find my poncho....
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Let the past teach, not taunt.
The road is long and the journey is unpredictable. As I continue to discover more about the world I live in and more about myself, I see that there is much to learn, and at the same time, much to let go of. It amazes me that a big part of my life is 'unlearning' beliefs and values that were instilled in me from an early age. The way we are conditioned over the years is subtle but so powerful to our perceptions of ourselves and our world. I am even angered that single experiences can hold such strong chains around our necks, to the point of paralysis. So in this way, knowing, seeing and understanding one's narrative is so important to the steps that will follow in the future.
I guess at times, I have feared looking back. I think this was because to look back meant to re-live or re-experience the past, hence going through the pain that had been tucked away so neatly. I have started to see though, that the past cannot harm me anymore, but it can teach me (if I allow myself to be taught).
Till I find my poncho...
I guess at times, I have feared looking back. I think this was because to look back meant to re-live or re-experience the past, hence going through the pain that had been tucked away so neatly. I have started to see though, that the past cannot harm me anymore, but it can teach me (if I allow myself to be taught).
Till I find my poncho...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Touching base.
It has been a little while since I've made an appearance here on my blog, so I felt it was time to share something.
The last few weeks have been quite busy with lots happening in my world. The last nine days has been the Big West Festival, which has been a lot of fun to be involved in with our (the other Anthony and mine) project called JIVE TALK. We had a wonderful guest speaker name Nick Ray who shared with us information and practical guides to "shopping with a conscience". He covered issues from food miles (which is how far your food travels from where it's produced to your plate), to packaging and waste. We had a great room of people who engaged with the information and with Nick. Anthony and I and all who were involved felt it was a great success.
I've also had a chance to spend quite a bit of time at the Dancing Dog cafe. The friendships that have started to blossom there are the glue of the place. There are so many people who are frequenters of the Dog, and who now almost have a permanence about them. All sorts of interesting characters, who mainly live in the local area, come in either on a daily or weekly basis. Seems to me that there is a great flow of endless conversation, banter and laughter. But on the flip side, there has also been the space for people to vent. I have been both the giver and reciever of anger, frustration and confusion. All of this makes for such a unique atmosphere and very much gives the Dog a sense of home.
Peal Jam.
Just over a week ago, I went and saw Pearl Jam, Ben Harper and Liam Finn perform at the Etihad stadium. The night was very impressive. From the size of the arena, to the amount of people and to the quality of music.
Starting with Liam Finn: He came out and blew us away. I have been to many shows where the opener is less than average and most of the audience at some point is BOOING them off stage. Not with Mr Finn. His work was extremely interesting and had the crowd captive. He played the guitar, drums and sang. He would loop a section of his guitar work, then let it play and jump on the drums and play along. Then he would repeat this process on the drums and get back on the guiar and vocals. Was fabulous.
Next was Ben Harper: Not much to say for Ben. Impressive live voice. Had always wanted to see him in concert. Can't say much for his stage presence as he didn't really interract with the crowd much at all, which is always a shame. Musically, him and his band were great, can't fault the music, just felt a bit let down by his manners.
However, at one poin in Ben's set, Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam's singer) came out and they sang Under Pressure, the David Bowie/Freddie Mercury song. The whole vibe of the stadium changed when Eddie came out. This was a real treat.
And finally, Pearl Jam: This is the third time I have seen these guys and it has been interesting to see them develop. I saw them back in 1995, which was their first Australian tour. But this show was special for me too. Eddie came out and spoke with the crowd before they started. He told us there was free water being passed around and that we should look after each other. There was 50,000 people present and the risk of injury (especially in the mosh pit) is high. His attitude from the start was great. The energy in the room was of fun and excitement and I know the folk around me were certainly having a blast. They played many of there earlier songs, which I loved. I have not really gotten into their later albums, but nonetheless enjoyed the whole 2 1/2 hour show.
The crowd in general were well behaved and everyone was boogying to the grooves of Pearl Jam. A great show to have been privelaged enough to be at.
Well, that's it for now. There is more happening and more I'd like to share about, but I'll save some for a day or two later.
Till I find my poncho....
The last few weeks have been quite busy with lots happening in my world. The last nine days has been the Big West Festival, which has been a lot of fun to be involved in with our (the other Anthony and mine) project called JIVE TALK. We had a wonderful guest speaker name Nick Ray who shared with us information and practical guides to "shopping with a conscience". He covered issues from food miles (which is how far your food travels from where it's produced to your plate), to packaging and waste. We had a great room of people who engaged with the information and with Nick. Anthony and I and all who were involved felt it was a great success.
I've also had a chance to spend quite a bit of time at the Dancing Dog cafe. The friendships that have started to blossom there are the glue of the place. There are so many people who are frequenters of the Dog, and who now almost have a permanence about them. All sorts of interesting characters, who mainly live in the local area, come in either on a daily or weekly basis. Seems to me that there is a great flow of endless conversation, banter and laughter. But on the flip side, there has also been the space for people to vent. I have been both the giver and reciever of anger, frustration and confusion. All of this makes for such a unique atmosphere and very much gives the Dog a sense of home.
Peal Jam.
Just over a week ago, I went and saw Pearl Jam, Ben Harper and Liam Finn perform at the Etihad stadium. The night was very impressive. From the size of the arena, to the amount of people and to the quality of music.
Starting with Liam Finn: He came out and blew us away. I have been to many shows where the opener is less than average and most of the audience at some point is BOOING them off stage. Not with Mr Finn. His work was extremely interesting and had the crowd captive. He played the guitar, drums and sang. He would loop a section of his guitar work, then let it play and jump on the drums and play along. Then he would repeat this process on the drums and get back on the guiar and vocals. Was fabulous.
Next was Ben Harper: Not much to say for Ben. Impressive live voice. Had always wanted to see him in concert. Can't say much for his stage presence as he didn't really interract with the crowd much at all, which is always a shame. Musically, him and his band were great, can't fault the music, just felt a bit let down by his manners.
However, at one poin in Ben's set, Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam's singer) came out and they sang Under Pressure, the David Bowie/Freddie Mercury song. The whole vibe of the stadium changed when Eddie came out. This was a real treat.
And finally, Pearl Jam: This is the third time I have seen these guys and it has been interesting to see them develop. I saw them back in 1995, which was their first Australian tour. But this show was special for me too. Eddie came out and spoke with the crowd before they started. He told us there was free water being passed around and that we should look after each other. There was 50,000 people present and the risk of injury (especially in the mosh pit) is high. His attitude from the start was great. The energy in the room was of fun and excitement and I know the folk around me were certainly having a blast. They played many of there earlier songs, which I loved. I have not really gotten into their later albums, but nonetheless enjoyed the whole 2 1/2 hour show.
The crowd in general were well behaved and everyone was boogying to the grooves of Pearl Jam. A great show to have been privelaged enough to be at.
Well, that's it for now. There is more happening and more I'd like to share about, but I'll save some for a day or two later.
Till I find my poncho....
Sunday, November 15, 2009
the big wave
This is going to be a real short post. Have just been watching a documentary on ABC with Eddie Vedder, singer from Pearl Jam, and a guy name Laird Hamilton, pro surfer. Showed them exploring the ocean, waves, music and spirituality. Great stories.
The bit that struck me was what Laird said about passion and love. He said.
"When you love something, you think about it all the time, you pursue it, you do whatever it takes to get better at it."
This struck me, not sure why, but I liked it and wanted to share it.
Till I find my poncho...
The bit that struck me was what Laird said about passion and love. He said.
"When you love something, you think about it all the time, you pursue it, you do whatever it takes to get better at it."
This struck me, not sure why, but I liked it and wanted to share it.
Till I find my poncho...
Friday, November 13, 2009
Complications of the soul.
It's been virtually two weeks since I last posted on here and in that time it seems that so much has changed. It's funny though, even writing that statement, I know that not very much in the grand scheme of things has changed, but certainly my appraisal or critique of things have altered. I am always amazed that it can take one little seemingly insignificant piece of information to change everything in your own thinking. The piece of information, experience or scenario may well be extremely important and vital to the formation of the way one sees themself or the world.
I have been travelling down the road of significant and at times painful discovery over the last couple of months. It very much rings true about the road less travelled. I know in many ways the places I have needed to go (please excuse my vagueness) have in the past been places I have wanted to not return to at all. It seems obvious now that as I enter into some of the darkest regions of my past and knock on a door which I had at the time locked, that those doors were actually still wide open and creating a draft in my present existence. And as difficult as it has been, and to be clear, is still now, I can understand why it requires so much energy to actually face the things that we are most afraid of or the things that continue to shape our lives in negative ways.
Saying all this, I am also aware that time is definately a huge player in this theatre of life. To stop, to slow down, to digest, to contemplate, to regurgitate, to chew fully and then swallow. I know for me, all too often in the past I have watered down and skimmed over life without sometimes seeing the gravity of certain moments of time. I would like to be in a place where life isn't something that I just try to fit in to, but more along the lines of a dance that I am involved in.
I am not exactly sure where this post was meant to go, but I felt it important to vent a little of what has been rolling around in my head of late. The post title "complications of the soul" is a line out of a song I've been writing. It might all make sense when the song is complete. And maybe then I will post the lyrics to share with whom ever is reading this randomness.
Till I find my poncho....
I have been travelling down the road of significant and at times painful discovery over the last couple of months. It very much rings true about the road less travelled. I know in many ways the places I have needed to go (please excuse my vagueness) have in the past been places I have wanted to not return to at all. It seems obvious now that as I enter into some of the darkest regions of my past and knock on a door which I had at the time locked, that those doors were actually still wide open and creating a draft in my present existence. And as difficult as it has been, and to be clear, is still now, I can understand why it requires so much energy to actually face the things that we are most afraid of or the things that continue to shape our lives in negative ways.
Saying all this, I am also aware that time is definately a huge player in this theatre of life. To stop, to slow down, to digest, to contemplate, to regurgitate, to chew fully and then swallow. I know for me, all too often in the past I have watered down and skimmed over life without sometimes seeing the gravity of certain moments of time. I would like to be in a place where life isn't something that I just try to fit in to, but more along the lines of a dance that I am involved in.
I am not exactly sure where this post was meant to go, but I felt it important to vent a little of what has been rolling around in my head of late. The post title "complications of the soul" is a line out of a song I've been writing. It might all make sense when the song is complete. And maybe then I will post the lyrics to share with whom ever is reading this randomness.
Till I find my poncho....
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Time and space.
My thoughts of late have been swinging somewhat toward the existential. What does this all mean? Where am I going? Who am I? All of these sorts of things. And I guess one of the big questions for me is 'how do I fit in to the world?'
My thoughts get clouded with the notion of time, that often I am thinking, ten steps ahead and lose track of the present moment. My worries aren't about today, but about an un-lived tomorrow. I can see this all around me as well. I remember when studying counselling, that we learnt one of the most common issues people will come in for is the worry of the unknown or un-lived. The tendancy to live one's live in the future is a common hurdle for people. I know it has been for myself.
When the doctors told me years and years ago that I would be blind by the age of `30, I started to map out my whole life. Married by 24, kids by 27 etc. There are a few problems with this type of thinking. Number one, it places a huge amount of pressure on someone to live up to the pre-planned goals. And two, in my case, it is a fear response. Obviously there is nothing wrong with forward thinking. In fact it is needed as to not trip over. But there is a great danger (I believe) in maticulously mapping out one's future path when life so very often has it's own little surprises.. For me, I never went blind at 30, I am still unmarried and have no children. Up until then though, I had had the fear of blindness, the fear of singleness, the fear of no children, the fear of the 'what if'.
Time, there is so much of it and so little of it. So I guess making each day count for something is a good idea. Not to become rigidly bound by it, but to use it to achieve our dreams (thanks urbanmonk for the reminder).
Till I find my poncho...
My thoughts get clouded with the notion of time, that often I am thinking, ten steps ahead and lose track of the present moment. My worries aren't about today, but about an un-lived tomorrow. I can see this all around me as well. I remember when studying counselling, that we learnt one of the most common issues people will come in for is the worry of the unknown or un-lived. The tendancy to live one's live in the future is a common hurdle for people. I know it has been for myself.
When the doctors told me years and years ago that I would be blind by the age of `30, I started to map out my whole life. Married by 24, kids by 27 etc. There are a few problems with this type of thinking. Number one, it places a huge amount of pressure on someone to live up to the pre-planned goals. And two, in my case, it is a fear response. Obviously there is nothing wrong with forward thinking. In fact it is needed as to not trip over. But there is a great danger (I believe) in maticulously mapping out one's future path when life so very often has it's own little surprises.. For me, I never went blind at 30, I am still unmarried and have no children. Up until then though, I had had the fear of blindness, the fear of singleness, the fear of no children, the fear of the 'what if'.
Time, there is so much of it and so little of it. So I guess making each day count for something is a good idea. Not to become rigidly bound by it, but to use it to achieve our dreams (thanks urbanmonk for the reminder).
Till I find my poncho...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Just be....
I haven't posted for a couple of weeks and there's probably a couple of reasons for that. Firstly, I have been riding the proverbial roller-coaster of life which includes so much emotion, thought and action. Sometimes there is just not enough energy to articulate what is going through my head and other times there is just no words for it. And secondly, I try to make a point of not simply posting things for the sake of it.
I've been thinking a lot lately of possibly going back to study next year. I've also been thinking of travelling next year. And I've also been thinking about buying a flashy computer which would enable me to record my music at home more easily. Options!!!
The study thing is curious. I have for a long time had adverse feelings toward studying. To start with, I'm not exactly sure what I want to study. There are a few options that I've looked at, but I'm still mulling over them. In my younger years, I never really found study all that easy, not that it should be either. But wth my vision impairement, everything seemed to take double the effort and triple the time. And of course, like this blog, I don't want to simply study for the sake of it.
Travel is an interesting one as well. For so long I have fought the temptation to travel. Throwing around all kinds of excuses such as; it's too expensive, ethical reasons, sight reasons, etc. I have weighed up the pros and cons of it and now I am probably straying toward the side that it might be a good idea. To just get out of town. To put oneself in another culture and experience life with new lenses. But again, I am still thinking.
The third option I have is the musical option. This one seems to be the most attractive at the moment. To have the capacity to plug in and record my own work at home would be great. I have the desire to produce my own music, the way I want it produced and to learn the art of recording. We shall see in due time.
I have said to friends in the past that as humans, we are not designed to be productive robots, but to be faithful to who we are, and to be faithful to our Maker. And it seems at this time I could use a dose of my own advise. Funny how we can dish out handfuls of wise words, but when it comes to ourselves, we tend to put on the blinkers and measure ourselves by a whole new set of standards.
Anyways, that's all for me today. I will try and remember my own words this sunny afternoon.
Till I find my poncho...
I've been thinking a lot lately of possibly going back to study next year. I've also been thinking of travelling next year. And I've also been thinking about buying a flashy computer which would enable me to record my music at home more easily. Options!!!
The study thing is curious. I have for a long time had adverse feelings toward studying. To start with, I'm not exactly sure what I want to study. There are a few options that I've looked at, but I'm still mulling over them. In my younger years, I never really found study all that easy, not that it should be either. But wth my vision impairement, everything seemed to take double the effort and triple the time. And of course, like this blog, I don't want to simply study for the sake of it.
Travel is an interesting one as well. For so long I have fought the temptation to travel. Throwing around all kinds of excuses such as; it's too expensive, ethical reasons, sight reasons, etc. I have weighed up the pros and cons of it and now I am probably straying toward the side that it might be a good idea. To just get out of town. To put oneself in another culture and experience life with new lenses. But again, I am still thinking.
The third option I have is the musical option. This one seems to be the most attractive at the moment. To have the capacity to plug in and record my own work at home would be great. I have the desire to produce my own music, the way I want it produced and to learn the art of recording. We shall see in due time.
I have said to friends in the past that as humans, we are not designed to be productive robots, but to be faithful to who we are, and to be faithful to our Maker. And it seems at this time I could use a dose of my own advise. Funny how we can dish out handfuls of wise words, but when it comes to ourselves, we tend to put on the blinkers and measure ourselves by a whole new set of standards.
Anyways, that's all for me today. I will try and remember my own words this sunny afternoon.
Till I find my poncho...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Perspective, part 2.
Today, as like many other days, I was sitting at the Dancing Dog cafe sipping on a lemon drink when a youngish Ethiopian man came up to me. He asked if he could have a cigarette. But before asking, he stretched out his hand to greet me. I thought this was lovely. Most of the times when I am approached in Footscray for a cigarette, it's a fairly quick transaction. Before I had a chance to say yes, he had sat down next to me and I agreed to his request. He started to tell me about the last couple days he had just had. A tale of state trustees, money, addiction, mental health problems and probably not so obvious, but isolation. He was very honest about his problems. He told me that he'd had an argument with state trustees, that they wouldn't give him some money until next week. This is a common problem, one that I've heard people complain about on many occasions. As he sat down and rolled his cigarette, he told his tale with an aire of hopelessness. On finishing his rolling, he got up, shook my hand firmly, as to say thanks without saying thanks, and departed. (He did also verbally thank me as well)
I sat back and watched him leave, crossing the road and it got me thinking. I know I have probably mentioned this before, but when I step out of my own skin and meet someone in theirs, things seem to become clearer. This man was obviously in a pretty bad way. I'm also in a pretty bad way, or so I thought. I guess it's the old saying, "well pain, it's relative". And I guess it is. One doesn't want to downgrade their scenario to insignificant in the sight of someone elses pain, but I think it's important to be open and aware that human suffering (on whichever level) is human. I didn't walk away thinking, well I'm alright because this guy isn't, but I walked away thinking that through the story and connectedness of our stories, our pain is shared.
I guess in a way, the encounter simply helped me put my own world in a little more perspective.
Till I find my poncho...
I sat back and watched him leave, crossing the road and it got me thinking. I know I have probably mentioned this before, but when I step out of my own skin and meet someone in theirs, things seem to become clearer. This man was obviously in a pretty bad way. I'm also in a pretty bad way, or so I thought. I guess it's the old saying, "well pain, it's relative". And I guess it is. One doesn't want to downgrade their scenario to insignificant in the sight of someone elses pain, but I think it's important to be open and aware that human suffering (on whichever level) is human. I didn't walk away thinking, well I'm alright because this guy isn't, but I walked away thinking that through the story and connectedness of our stories, our pain is shared.
I guess in a way, the encounter simply helped me put my own world in a little more perspective.
Till I find my poncho...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Perspective.
I've been thinking so much lately that at times I lose perspective. I know I have a huge swing toward over analyzing myself and the world. Maybe even writing this is a sure sign of that. I felt maybe it was time to give my neurons a rest and just post something a little lighter.
But what???
I'm not sure. I guess I could talk about what's happening with me musically at the moment? But to be honest, there isn't heaps happening in that department. Although I have started writing a couple of new songs this past week, which I feel one of them is quite good. It's called, 'Sweet summer nights'. It's been a song that has I guess helped me get through some of the thoughts and feelings I've been going through. Maybe when I get it recorded I'll post it on here. For me, it's a song about hope, especially when at times, I don't have a strong sense of hope. The chorus talks about how "soon i'll be breathing, sweet summer nights". Helps me to put in perspective that we do live seasonal lives and that, yes it's true that it's cold and wintery now, but soon, we will all breath sweet summer nights.
That's all for me today, keep it in the grey!!
Till I find my poncho...
But what???
I'm not sure. I guess I could talk about what's happening with me musically at the moment? But to be honest, there isn't heaps happening in that department. Although I have started writing a couple of new songs this past week, which I feel one of them is quite good. It's called, 'Sweet summer nights'. It's been a song that has I guess helped me get through some of the thoughts and feelings I've been going through. Maybe when I get it recorded I'll post it on here. For me, it's a song about hope, especially when at times, I don't have a strong sense of hope. The chorus talks about how "soon i'll be breathing, sweet summer nights". Helps me to put in perspective that we do live seasonal lives and that, yes it's true that it's cold and wintery now, but soon, we will all breath sweet summer nights.
That's all for me today, keep it in the grey!!
Till I find my poncho...
Monday, October 12, 2009
the power of words
Over the past few weeks, I've been observing how language and words can impact how I perceive and respond to the world. This is particularly relevant for how I respond to my inner world. I have noticed that the slightest things can trigger off different thoughts and feelings. I have come to see the importance of narrative and story in the context of daily life. It is true that we all have varying degrees of struggles, some which are chronic and some which are acute. The story for me has been a great anchor in putting my own struggles in perspective. I think once I isolate my problems and make them unique, I fall into a self destructive pattern of thinking. But when I can see that as humans, we all deal with very similar challenges, the problems seem to be shared and the load lightened. It's true also with encouragement. When we open our ears and listen to others' stories, we can often find the common thread and take courage from their story. I noticed that even the smallest amount of encouragement goes a very long way. In the same way, the slightest amount of negativity can have the opposite effect.
I think it is true that words and speech have such a powerful impact on crafting who we are as people. And maybe it's a matter of having an adequate filter to know what to absorb and what to let run off. I know for me, I have had the tendancy to absorb some very unhealthy ways of thinking and being and possibly deflecting healthier ways of thinking and living. So ultimately, it comes down to choice.
I know that this is less likely to happen as a youngster who tends to absorb everything and might not have the capacity to filter. But choosing our words wisely and adopting our world views carefully is so important.
Blah !!!
Till I find my poncho...
I think it is true that words and speech have such a powerful impact on crafting who we are as people. And maybe it's a matter of having an adequate filter to know what to absorb and what to let run off. I know for me, I have had the tendancy to absorb some very unhealthy ways of thinking and being and possibly deflecting healthier ways of thinking and living. So ultimately, it comes down to choice.
I know that this is less likely to happen as a youngster who tends to absorb everything and might not have the capacity to filter. But choosing our words wisely and adopting our world views carefully is so important.
Blah !!!
Till I find my poncho...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
the long road
It's been a long road, and the sun appears from behind the clouds. The wind is light and cool and keeps everything in perspective. The road is rocky but stable, no chance of rolling my ankle, only the occasional slip to my wrists. Each time I turn back to see what has been, I slip but as I keep my eyes fixed forward, I walk tall and straight. It's a long road, indeed it is, but the scenery keeps my attention well entertained. My companions are on the same long road. It's good to be with them, they remind me that none of us walk this long road alone, even though at times we take different forks in it. The times I keep my hands in my pocket, I am certainly alone and deny the company of strangers. Yet when I extend, reach out and hold my companions hand, to ensure they walk on, I know we can make it together.
The long road is not so long with company.
Till I find my poncho...
The long road is not so long with company.
Till I find my poncho...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I am an onion!
I feel like Shrek at the moment. The whole analogy of peeling away the layers of an onion is great. I think that as we grow, we shed layers of ourselves that are no longer useful. I have heard many people say that when you get old, I mean older than 70 that you don't have the same worries and concerns that younger people have. Maybe this is because over the course of their lives, they gradually shed their onion layers. I know in terms of following Jesus, there is a lot to be said about shedding our skins. About losing our lives to find it and about putting on the "new" self and shedding the "old" self.
I think one of the key elements to this truth is that when we shed our old skins, we need to make sure we are putting on the new skin. It's not enough to simply throw away all our clothes without replacing them. This works on a few levels. If we decide to go completely fair trade, then we need to rearrange our whole wardrobe to coincide with our belief system. This might not happen straight away. It might take stages, possibly starting with pants and shirts, then moving to underwear, then to shoes etc. I guess the same is true with putting on the new self. Maybe it takes a process of slowly and gradually re-arranging our spiritual, emotional and intellectual wardrobes, so we are not left naked and cold, but clothed well for the season we are in.
Maybe..... just a thought.
Till I find my poncho...
I think one of the key elements to this truth is that when we shed our old skins, we need to make sure we are putting on the new skin. It's not enough to simply throw away all our clothes without replacing them. This works on a few levels. If we decide to go completely fair trade, then we need to rearrange our whole wardrobe to coincide with our belief system. This might not happen straight away. It might take stages, possibly starting with pants and shirts, then moving to underwear, then to shoes etc. I guess the same is true with putting on the new self. Maybe it takes a process of slowly and gradually re-arranging our spiritual, emotional and intellectual wardrobes, so we are not left naked and cold, but clothed well for the season we are in.
Maybe..... just a thought.
Till I find my poncho...
Monday, October 5, 2009
I see the truth, and I'm angry!
It says in the Bible that the truth will set you free. After going through what I've been experiencing over the past few weeks, I think that the truth makes you angry! I believe that the truth does set us free from what sometimes are unseen bondages. I think this works on so many levels. I can only speak from my own experience.
At the moment, I am going through a process of discovering more about myself, my past, my motivations and my deepest fears. I guess I can see the freedom that will come, but at the moment I feel angry. I feel angry because a lot of what I'm experiencing number one has lay under my conscious radar for so long and two, that in so many cases, I acted apon these un-revealed forces and made choices based around them and due to them.
I kind of like the feeling of anger as well. I think in the past I have been afraid of being angry. My personality shows that I don't like to offend, I don't like others to be angry with me and if they are, does that mean we don't have a healthy relationship. But I'm starting to see that anger can be a great motivator in and of itself. I don't believe it is healthy to live in anger. In the same way, it's not healthy to dwell in a perception of constant bliss.
My anger at the moment is such a strong incentive to move past this state. I don't for a second want to be in a permanent state of anger, but maybe it's useful to drive me forward, instead of living in fear which tends to bog me down in the past.
BLAH, hopefully thhis is making sense.
Till I find my poncho...
At the moment, I am going through a process of discovering more about myself, my past, my motivations and my deepest fears. I guess I can see the freedom that will come, but at the moment I feel angry. I feel angry because a lot of what I'm experiencing number one has lay under my conscious radar for so long and two, that in so many cases, I acted apon these un-revealed forces and made choices based around them and due to them.
I kind of like the feeling of anger as well. I think in the past I have been afraid of being angry. My personality shows that I don't like to offend, I don't like others to be angry with me and if they are, does that mean we don't have a healthy relationship. But I'm starting to see that anger can be a great motivator in and of itself. I don't believe it is healthy to live in anger. In the same way, it's not healthy to dwell in a perception of constant bliss.
My anger at the moment is such a strong incentive to move past this state. I don't for a second want to be in a permanent state of anger, but maybe it's useful to drive me forward, instead of living in fear which tends to bog me down in the past.
BLAH, hopefully thhis is making sense.
Till I find my poncho...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Lazarus.
I've been thinking a bit about the story of Lazarus in the Bible. He was a good friend of Jesus and fell very sick and died. Jesus was a little way off, maybe two days walk and heard that his mate was not doing so well. He sent word that he would head over to Bethany but didn't arrive there till four days after Lazarus has died. Mary, Lazarus' sister said to Jesus, "Lord, if only you were here, our brother would still be alive." The story goes on and Jesus ends up bringing his friend back to life.
This story has got me thinking a lot about the way things in my life have died and the feelings and thoughts that come along with them. It has also nurtured some questions in my heart about the nature of God and Jesus. Does Jesus let things die, so that from the grave something new can be born? Does he mourn for our losses as we do? If we trust in Him, will things turn out ok in the end?
I can see through the gospels that Jesus wasn't about simply preventing death, but bringing new life to those who followed his way and believed in him. Instead of trusting in the worldly systems, structures and value systems, He calls us to believe in Him. He says, "I am the way, the truth and the life.".
I know for me, I struggle at the moment letting go. I know that things in this world are temporary and that ultimately, my Father in heaven is with me through all the hard times.
Maybe Jesus lets things die so we can learn more about who we are as humans and how we relate to ourselves, to others and to God.
I'm pretty sure that Jesus wasn't about living in a fluffy little bubble where we don't experience what it means to be fully human. Jesus himself came from a place of glory to dwell among us and to be fully human too. So it makes sense that he wants us to embrace our humanity and also our divinity at the same time.
I guess sometimes dying means cutting off old dead branches that do not produce any healthy fruit and need to go. But it's not always easy. When we sever off a part of ourselves that we've had for so long, there is pain and a sense of loss, even when what we lose is no longer beneficial.
For me, I feel at the moment, I am shedding old ways of thinking, old beliefs and old perseptions of who I am. I know I need this to happen to move forward and keep growing into the person my Maker sees. It is definately one of the hardest times I have faced, but also so amazing. There is a strong sense of direction in these times and I guess understanding that the journey is so vital, means I can live day to day, instead of focussing on an end point. Well that's the theory anyway. It's always easier said than done.
So as I come to terms with the old, dead parts of me, I anticipate the new-growth and what will follow.
Till I find my poncho....
This story has got me thinking a lot about the way things in my life have died and the feelings and thoughts that come along with them. It has also nurtured some questions in my heart about the nature of God and Jesus. Does Jesus let things die, so that from the grave something new can be born? Does he mourn for our losses as we do? If we trust in Him, will things turn out ok in the end?
I can see through the gospels that Jesus wasn't about simply preventing death, but bringing new life to those who followed his way and believed in him. Instead of trusting in the worldly systems, structures and value systems, He calls us to believe in Him. He says, "I am the way, the truth and the life.".
I know for me, I struggle at the moment letting go. I know that things in this world are temporary and that ultimately, my Father in heaven is with me through all the hard times.
Maybe Jesus lets things die so we can learn more about who we are as humans and how we relate to ourselves, to others and to God.
I'm pretty sure that Jesus wasn't about living in a fluffy little bubble where we don't experience what it means to be fully human. Jesus himself came from a place of glory to dwell among us and to be fully human too. So it makes sense that he wants us to embrace our humanity and also our divinity at the same time.
I guess sometimes dying means cutting off old dead branches that do not produce any healthy fruit and need to go. But it's not always easy. When we sever off a part of ourselves that we've had for so long, there is pain and a sense of loss, even when what we lose is no longer beneficial.
For me, I feel at the moment, I am shedding old ways of thinking, old beliefs and old perseptions of who I am. I know I need this to happen to move forward and keep growing into the person my Maker sees. It is definately one of the hardest times I have faced, but also so amazing. There is a strong sense of direction in these times and I guess understanding that the journey is so vital, means I can live day to day, instead of focussing on an end point. Well that's the theory anyway. It's always easier said than done.
So as I come to terms with the old, dead parts of me, I anticipate the new-growth and what will follow.
Till I find my poncho....
Friday, October 2, 2009
The 'dreaded' experience.
Yesterday I went out to East St Kilda to have my dreadlocks worked on. I found a guy on the web suitably named "Dr Dread" and made an appointment. He and his girlfriend work from their share house and mainly do this job as something on the side. I was greeted by "Dr Dread" and he welcomed me in to a home that felt in many ways quite familiar. There was music playing with immediately tickled my senses and wooden floor boards gave the place a holiday house type feel. The Dr worked on my dreads by himself for about an hour before his partner arrived home. During this time we shared our stories. We both spoke of what we did for work, what music we're into and the many different concerts we had been to. It turns out that we had more than likely been to at least three of the same shows. It definately is a small world out there.
After a while, his partner rolled in after her day at work and she began to help tighten and make pretty my dreads. And again with her, we spoke of our lives and shared different experiences we had either shared or would share in the future. It turns out that we are all going to the Pearl Jam and Ben Harper show in November. Would be nice to bump into them there.
So after a while, the other housemate arrived and the conversation grew and developed. My good friend "The Captain" rolled up as well as he was to pick me up. Then phone call after phone call different friends started to arrive until the lounge that had once just occupied myself and the Dr was full. The stories were flying across the room, this way, that way and there was an energetic buzz.
At one point, the tenant's landlord made his presence via the back door (which led me to think his property was either behind them or he just enjoyed using the back door). Everyone asked how he was and this opened the windor for another eccentric story. The "Landlord" was very animated, probably in his late forties and explained his huge confusion over a DVD/VCR recorder, set top boxes and HD versus 'the old way'.
The Dr, a little earlier had gone into the kitchen and pulled out a six pack of beer and brought it out onto the coffee table, slid a cold one into a stubbie holder and handed it to me. I smiled and said, "Well this is service!" There was no question of, "would you like one?" no awkwardness but an unsaid understanding. It was very warming. As I listened to this household's stories, struggles and intricate dynamics, I felt like I had been flung into a reality TV show. I didn't know the characters, I didn't understand the problems as I had only heard snippets here and there. This was ok though. These strange new friends obviously didn't mind openly sharing their dirty laundry in front of a complete stranger and I didn't mind hearing it. I found most of the conversations quite interesting.
So the Dr and his girl started to finish up and at the end I went to the bathroom to inspect their work and then re-entered the lounge room. At this the Dr offered myself and The Captain another beer or any other sort of drink and we politely declined as we were off to have some dinner. Some of the guys who were there said to us as we left, "Pop in any time for a beer!!" "Cheers mate!" We both exclaimed and departed.
In three months or so, I will probably need to go back to have some more work done. I think next time I'd like to stay for that second beer and get to know these guys a little more. I found the whole experience very intriguing. Definately more fun than sitting in a beauty salon. There was a strong sense of community and belonging, even though I doubt it was ever spoken or studied. Was nice to slide into this little sub-culture and hear a few new stories.
Till I find my poncho...
After a while, his partner rolled in after her day at work and she began to help tighten and make pretty my dreads. And again with her, we spoke of our lives and shared different experiences we had either shared or would share in the future. It turns out that we are all going to the Pearl Jam and Ben Harper show in November. Would be nice to bump into them there.
So after a while, the other housemate arrived and the conversation grew and developed. My good friend "The Captain" rolled up as well as he was to pick me up. Then phone call after phone call different friends started to arrive until the lounge that had once just occupied myself and the Dr was full. The stories were flying across the room, this way, that way and there was an energetic buzz.
At one point, the tenant's landlord made his presence via the back door (which led me to think his property was either behind them or he just enjoyed using the back door). Everyone asked how he was and this opened the windor for another eccentric story. The "Landlord" was very animated, probably in his late forties and explained his huge confusion over a DVD/VCR recorder, set top boxes and HD versus 'the old way'.
The Dr, a little earlier had gone into the kitchen and pulled out a six pack of beer and brought it out onto the coffee table, slid a cold one into a stubbie holder and handed it to me. I smiled and said, "Well this is service!" There was no question of, "would you like one?" no awkwardness but an unsaid understanding. It was very warming. As I listened to this household's stories, struggles and intricate dynamics, I felt like I had been flung into a reality TV show. I didn't know the characters, I didn't understand the problems as I had only heard snippets here and there. This was ok though. These strange new friends obviously didn't mind openly sharing their dirty laundry in front of a complete stranger and I didn't mind hearing it. I found most of the conversations quite interesting.
So the Dr and his girl started to finish up and at the end I went to the bathroom to inspect their work and then re-entered the lounge room. At this the Dr offered myself and The Captain another beer or any other sort of drink and we politely declined as we were off to have some dinner. Some of the guys who were there said to us as we left, "Pop in any time for a beer!!" "Cheers mate!" We both exclaimed and departed.
In three months or so, I will probably need to go back to have some more work done. I think next time I'd like to stay for that second beer and get to know these guys a little more. I found the whole experience very intriguing. Definately more fun than sitting in a beauty salon. There was a strong sense of community and belonging, even though I doubt it was ever spoken or studied. Was nice to slide into this little sub-culture and hear a few new stories.
Till I find my poncho...
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Black, white or grey?
I am wrestling with the idea of living in the 'grey'. It has come to my attention that I tend to view the world in a black and white way. Absolutes are interesting things. For me, it seems like when I use absolutes I am living in judgement of something. 'This thing is good', or 'That thing is bad'. I'm speaking in terms of experiences mainly. This also applies to inner feelings or thoughts. But when I say judgement, I'm not talking about the classical Christian judgement but rather adding meaning to something that maybe doesn't have to be qualified. When I add an absolute judgement to something, I give it power over me. But if I look at a situation and say, "well, it just is what it is, it's neither good nor bad", then I can critique the scenario without attaching unnecessary emotion.
I'm not saying that things aren't bad sometimes or great sometimes. I think it's important to view each experience for what it is and not magnify it too much. I was talking to a friend yesterday about a book called "Tuesday's With Morrie". A fantastic book based on a true story about an old sociology professor who is dying of a debilitating disease. Someome asks him, 'How do you stay so positive when you are inevitably going to die, and die in such a painful, nasty way? Don't you cry and mourn?' Morrie replies by saying, 'I cry. I wake up every morning, lie in my bed (because he cannot move anymore) and mourn. I feel the emotions of what I'm going through and say to myself, Ok, this is what it feels like to mourn/grieve, I feel it and let it go.' He talks about feeling the emotion fully, not denying it or suppressing it, but experiencing it fully. He says that this way he doesn't have to fear the feelings, but rather accept them and move forward. I like this idea. And since I've read the book four times, I recomment anyone who may be reading this post to check it out.
So living in the grey! This is my challenge for today. As I encounter life's little speed bumps, and sometimes huge pot holes, I will attempt to be more aware of my responses and try to live somewhere in the middle. Trying not to shove aside my feelings, but to feel them fully and then let them pass. Maybe this has something to do with being fully human. To experience both the beauty and the pain in it's entirety. Balance.
Till I find my poncho...
I'm not saying that things aren't bad sometimes or great sometimes. I think it's important to view each experience for what it is and not magnify it too much. I was talking to a friend yesterday about a book called "Tuesday's With Morrie". A fantastic book based on a true story about an old sociology professor who is dying of a debilitating disease. Someome asks him, 'How do you stay so positive when you are inevitably going to die, and die in such a painful, nasty way? Don't you cry and mourn?' Morrie replies by saying, 'I cry. I wake up every morning, lie in my bed (because he cannot move anymore) and mourn. I feel the emotions of what I'm going through and say to myself, Ok, this is what it feels like to mourn/grieve, I feel it and let it go.' He talks about feeling the emotion fully, not denying it or suppressing it, but experiencing it fully. He says that this way he doesn't have to fear the feelings, but rather accept them and move forward. I like this idea. And since I've read the book four times, I recomment anyone who may be reading this post to check it out.
So living in the grey! This is my challenge for today. As I encounter life's little speed bumps, and sometimes huge pot holes, I will attempt to be more aware of my responses and try to live somewhere in the middle. Trying not to shove aside my feelings, but to feel them fully and then let them pass. Maybe this has something to do with being fully human. To experience both the beauty and the pain in it's entirety. Balance.
Till I find my poncho...
bleary eyed, bleary mind
Today has been long. It's ten past midnight and I'm still up. I managed to get through the day unscathed and feeling pretty good. Caught up with some good friends who always have something interesting to tell me. I love 'doco-man'. He always comes to me and says, "Anth, I watched this doco last night!!" and it's always with much gusto and excitement. And to which I reply, "of course you did".
I don't really have any earth shattering revelations or metaphores or ideas right now. I guess it's because it's so late and part of my mind is already wrapped in my blanket. I simply felt the urge to write. I just went through a heap of new templates for me blog, so hopefully it looks a little trendier on the eye. Is that word still being used, 'trendy'? Ah well, I tell old man jokes, I may as well use old man language!
I did go and see a friend in a one man theatre show tonight. I had seen it before but was very taken by it and felt I could see it again. It's a comedy based on a neurotic garson (waiter) at a fancy coctail bar. It's basically the story of him getting to work, the mishaps and mental anguish he experiences there and how he manages to get through the night after a heavy night, the night before.
I find it interesting to see someone who I actually know performing and playing the part of someone so different. Well, I think the character he played is a little different anyway. It kind of got me thinking (just then as I was typing) that we all at some time or another play a part, a role, put on a mask or pretend to be someone we're not.
I know at times I put on the brave face, the happy face, the tolerant face or the patient face when I know that it doesn't really suit the situation. I'm not referring to any time in particular, but I guess it's true of all of us.
Been thinking a lot over the past week about what it means to be truely human. I know this is a huge question and one I've probably touched on before. I just thought I'd throw it out there.
For now, I am leaving the ridiculous world of cyber space and resting my head in slumber-space.
Till I find my poncho....
I don't really have any earth shattering revelations or metaphores or ideas right now. I guess it's because it's so late and part of my mind is already wrapped in my blanket. I simply felt the urge to write. I just went through a heap of new templates for me blog, so hopefully it looks a little trendier on the eye. Is that word still being used, 'trendy'? Ah well, I tell old man jokes, I may as well use old man language!
I did go and see a friend in a one man theatre show tonight. I had seen it before but was very taken by it and felt I could see it again. It's a comedy based on a neurotic garson (waiter) at a fancy coctail bar. It's basically the story of him getting to work, the mishaps and mental anguish he experiences there and how he manages to get through the night after a heavy night, the night before.
I find it interesting to see someone who I actually know performing and playing the part of someone so different. Well, I think the character he played is a little different anyway. It kind of got me thinking (just then as I was typing) that we all at some time or another play a part, a role, put on a mask or pretend to be someone we're not.
I know at times I put on the brave face, the happy face, the tolerant face or the patient face when I know that it doesn't really suit the situation. I'm not referring to any time in particular, but I guess it's true of all of us.
Been thinking a lot over the past week about what it means to be truely human. I know this is a huge question and one I've probably touched on before. I just thought I'd throw it out there.
For now, I am leaving the ridiculous world of cyber space and resting my head in slumber-space.
Till I find my poncho....
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
temporary
Everything we seem to go through as humsns feels permanent. I have noticed this especially when it comes to pain. Is it the human condition that when we experience pain, we feel that it is going to last forever and we have no way out? I remember watching a video years ago about the band Black Sabbath. The drummer was talking about how he had tried to kill himself four times. He was able to get through whatever it was that was leading him to attempt suicide and see things differently. He made this statement, "suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem". Personally I have never felt the urge or had the thoughts of killing myself, thankfully, but I have during many times felt that the way I was feeling would never stop. I know intellectually if I look back in my life, there are ample examples of times where I've felt so helpless, distressed and confused that there seemed to be no way out. I find it interesting that as humans, our memory span can be quite short. Kind of like how people always say, 'haven't they learnt that war never achieves anything?' or 'history always repeats, we've obviously learnt nothing from the past'.
I watched this short documentary on the brain and the neurons and electrons and how we process and store information and memories. It's incredible. We have more sparks firing in our brain than there are stars in the universe. All of these brain sparks are interconnected and perform like an intricate orchestra. The narrator was saying that on their own, the neurons aren't that special, but as they fire together and interract with each other, it invokes a dance of creativity, memory and thought. It's quite a spin out.
So what does this all mean? Honestly, I have no idea. But it's interesting and I guess has something to do with our practical lives. If everything starts from a thought, and our thoughts are processed and accumulated and reprocessed and moulded into our beliefs, our values and our actions, then I wonder if we need to pay closer attention to our narratives as humans?
Or, maybe it's all just mumbo jumbo!!!
I am curious to see how I behave today was influenced by what I heard, saw, tasted, smelled and touched yesterday. Is it possible to objectively look at one's past and make informed decisions about one's future?
Maybe I am digging in the wrong places, but I'd like to think that at least I'm digging. When you are an anxious man, as I am, one can either try to put up with it and make the most of a not so pleasant circumstance, or one can explore alternatives. Should we settle for what we have, for who we are and for what the world tells us we should have, who we should be and where we are going? Are we completely defined by forces that are out of our control?
I think ultimately, I'd rather be influenced and moulded by the One whose image I was created in. This is a massive statement I know, but I believe that we are created in the image of God and even knowing what that image is, isn't always so clear. But I guess we get the best picture through Jesus. So, keeping close to Jesus, not religion is important in that respect.
I do believe that we are all created as total individuals. We have our own potential and unique ways of being human. But I also believe that we are interconnected and play a huge role in helping, moulding and defining each other.
To stay isolated is to die. To stay connected is to live. I think this happens on a couple of levels. We can't isolate ourselves from others. I know for me, when I have other people around, they help me to grow in many ways. Just the pure joy of being around people is enough of an argument. Granted, we all need our quiet, private times too.
We also need to stay connected with ourselves, with our thoughts, feelings and spirits. I know for a long time, I have been afraid of myself. To see what lies underneith all of the conditioning, the fears and the lies. I think to see one's self as God sees us is to be free. Free from fear, free from the world and and free to be human.
I'm not exactly sure why I wrote all of this, but it has helped me to vent, and I'm sure there's more to come.
Stay human
"Michael Franti"
I watched this short documentary on the brain and the neurons and electrons and how we process and store information and memories. It's incredible. We have more sparks firing in our brain than there are stars in the universe. All of these brain sparks are interconnected and perform like an intricate orchestra. The narrator was saying that on their own, the neurons aren't that special, but as they fire together and interract with each other, it invokes a dance of creativity, memory and thought. It's quite a spin out.
So what does this all mean? Honestly, I have no idea. But it's interesting and I guess has something to do with our practical lives. If everything starts from a thought, and our thoughts are processed and accumulated and reprocessed and moulded into our beliefs, our values and our actions, then I wonder if we need to pay closer attention to our narratives as humans?
Or, maybe it's all just mumbo jumbo!!!
I am curious to see how I behave today was influenced by what I heard, saw, tasted, smelled and touched yesterday. Is it possible to objectively look at one's past and make informed decisions about one's future?
Maybe I am digging in the wrong places, but I'd like to think that at least I'm digging. When you are an anxious man, as I am, one can either try to put up with it and make the most of a not so pleasant circumstance, or one can explore alternatives. Should we settle for what we have, for who we are and for what the world tells us we should have, who we should be and where we are going? Are we completely defined by forces that are out of our control?
I think ultimately, I'd rather be influenced and moulded by the One whose image I was created in. This is a massive statement I know, but I believe that we are created in the image of God and even knowing what that image is, isn't always so clear. But I guess we get the best picture through Jesus. So, keeping close to Jesus, not religion is important in that respect.
I do believe that we are all created as total individuals. We have our own potential and unique ways of being human. But I also believe that we are interconnected and play a huge role in helping, moulding and defining each other.
To stay isolated is to die. To stay connected is to live. I think this happens on a couple of levels. We can't isolate ourselves from others. I know for me, when I have other people around, they help me to grow in many ways. Just the pure joy of being around people is enough of an argument. Granted, we all need our quiet, private times too.
We also need to stay connected with ourselves, with our thoughts, feelings and spirits. I know for a long time, I have been afraid of myself. To see what lies underneith all of the conditioning, the fears and the lies. I think to see one's self as God sees us is to be free. Free from fear, free from the world and and free to be human.
I'm not exactly sure why I wrote all of this, but it has helped me to vent, and I'm sure there's more to come.
Stay human
"Michael Franti"
Monday, September 28, 2009
The inner warrior!
I often feel ripped off that the childhood that I had ill prepared me for the now life that I live. This is probably not the healthiest way of thinking and in trying to crack the proverbial code, much pain, confusion and discomfort joins in.
In many ways, I can see where things may have gone astray, where my thinking, beliefs and reactions were formed and cemented into my "default" structures. It seems that re-wiring these defaults is much harder said than done.
I have, however, made progress over the past few years and that is a positive thing. The fact that I acknowledge that this is a positive thing in itself is movement. I have had a tendancy to ultimately think the worst, and in many cases sabotaged myself to get the outcome that is already in my head before it actually happens. CONFUSED???? Me too!
So anyway, I find that at another cross-road I need to dive into myself yet again and I can see now that I need to dive a little deeper. There is unfinished business that needs my attention. It's funny, there are times when I feel so strong, pumped and ready to go to those places like a soldier warrior, and other times when the mere thought of having to keep fighting brings me to my knees. But alas, this is what needs to be done. I am ready to face my demons, look them in the eye and bid them farewell.
In many ways, I can see where things may have gone astray, where my thinking, beliefs and reactions were formed and cemented into my "default" structures. It seems that re-wiring these defaults is much harder said than done.
I have, however, made progress over the past few years and that is a positive thing. The fact that I acknowledge that this is a positive thing in itself is movement. I have had a tendancy to ultimately think the worst, and in many cases sabotaged myself to get the outcome that is already in my head before it actually happens. CONFUSED???? Me too!
So anyway, I find that at another cross-road I need to dive into myself yet again and I can see now that I need to dive a little deeper. There is unfinished business that needs my attention. It's funny, there are times when I feel so strong, pumped and ready to go to those places like a soldier warrior, and other times when the mere thought of having to keep fighting brings me to my knees. But alas, this is what needs to be done. I am ready to face my demons, look them in the eye and bid them farewell.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
and Crash again...
So much happens in life, that I find it hard to know how to respond to it all. My last post I spoke about the car accident that my (now ex) girlfriend was involved in. Since then, I have broken up with my ex-girlfriend and felt the immense ripping of a seperated relationship.
The decision was mutual and come to with much discussion and contemplation. I am grateful that we have a friendship still, very grateful.
Something I've noticed however over the last few days is my inevitable tendancy to react. I have been throwing around ideas in my head over the last year or so about the notion that as humans we generally "react" to what's happening around us or to us. I've found that this can be both beneficial and hindering depending on the circumstance. My first train of thought based on this was that reactions are on the most part unhealthy. I think I still believe this, but in many cases, reactions are necessary. Through seeing multiple psychiatrists/psychologists, I have learnt, which is now very obvious, that reactions such as fear are helpful in certain cases. For example, if you were to be walking too close to a cliff face and underfoot you should feel loose rocks that start tumbling down the steep cliff face, a healthy dose of fear (fight or flight) will tell you that you should probably move away from the edge.
What I have started to consider today is that as I said above, I generally have the "react" mode concreted to the ON position and forget that there are other options. The other option I have been thinking of is the "response" option. The response option works on many levels. During relationship conflict, through criticism, when we view injustice or other type stimuli.
I have considered this at length and know very well that it is much easier said than done. I know for example, now that I am single again I have jumped into "react" mode. I start to fear. This is a sure sign (I believe) of being in the 'react' state. I fear I am too old now to meet someone. I fear getting involved in a new relationship, I fear I made wrong choices, I fear I fear I fear!!!
Fear generally comes (for me) when I do not allow myself the time (mentally, emotionally and spiritally) to properly respond to what is happening. This has been made clear to me during a few occasions. When I have sat down, meditated and chosen to relax or be positive, my whole state of being alters. So this implies the element of choice. We need to CHOOSE whether we 'react' or 'respond'.
I guess I needed to write this, to help clarify my own thoughts on the matter, but I hope it made sense if anyone else out there happens across it.
React or respond???
The decision was mutual and come to with much discussion and contemplation. I am grateful that we have a friendship still, very grateful.
Something I've noticed however over the last few days is my inevitable tendancy to react. I have been throwing around ideas in my head over the last year or so about the notion that as humans we generally "react" to what's happening around us or to us. I've found that this can be both beneficial and hindering depending on the circumstance. My first train of thought based on this was that reactions are on the most part unhealthy. I think I still believe this, but in many cases, reactions are necessary. Through seeing multiple psychiatrists/psychologists, I have learnt, which is now very obvious, that reactions such as fear are helpful in certain cases. For example, if you were to be walking too close to a cliff face and underfoot you should feel loose rocks that start tumbling down the steep cliff face, a healthy dose of fear (fight or flight) will tell you that you should probably move away from the edge.
What I have started to consider today is that as I said above, I generally have the "react" mode concreted to the ON position and forget that there are other options. The other option I have been thinking of is the "response" option. The response option works on many levels. During relationship conflict, through criticism, when we view injustice or other type stimuli.
I have considered this at length and know very well that it is much easier said than done. I know for example, now that I am single again I have jumped into "react" mode. I start to fear. This is a sure sign (I believe) of being in the 'react' state. I fear I am too old now to meet someone. I fear getting involved in a new relationship, I fear I made wrong choices, I fear I fear I fear!!!
Fear generally comes (for me) when I do not allow myself the time (mentally, emotionally and spiritally) to properly respond to what is happening. This has been made clear to me during a few occasions. When I have sat down, meditated and chosen to relax or be positive, my whole state of being alters. So this implies the element of choice. We need to CHOOSE whether we 'react' or 'respond'.
I guess I needed to write this, to help clarify my own thoughts on the matter, but I hope it made sense if anyone else out there happens across it.
React or respond???
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Crash!
Two days ago, my girlfriend and I were involved in a five car pile up in Sunshine. Everyone is ok, with the exception of some whiplash. I never knew what whiplash was until now. It's not fun. That being said, there was no major damage to anyone involved. My girl's car however is a ride-off.
The thing that struck me, which I have heard talked about in theory, was how everyone responded after the accident. We were in the middle of Sunshine and my first thought was that someone would get out of their car and have a go, at someone, anyone. But that didn't happen. Obviously all that were involved were shaken and upset. This is normal. But everyone was asking everyone else, "are you alright". A friend of mine writes about this in one of his books. He calls it (or maybe he borrowed the term) communitas. It basically means when a group of people go through an adverse situation together, they get drawn closer together. Now, I'm not saying that everyone in the accident is going to catch up for dinner (although that would be interesting). But the way people seemed to show genuine care was enough to make the whole trauma a little better.
I am also aware that we have seen so many examples of this through history. Through tragic bushfires, through floods, bombings etc. It is not unusual for people to react this way. I was however expecting far worse.
I guess what I was thinking was that it is sad that people only draw closer together when there seems to be some obvious tragedy. But isn't it a tragedy that there are thousands of homeless people on our streets? Isn't is a tragedy that children die because of neglect and abuse? Isn't it a tragedy that in third world countries people are suffering because of the lack of medicine that we could pick up off the supermarket shelves?
Are we just too blind to see? Or are our immediate, up front in your face problems the centre of our universe?
I know when I am facing either severe internal or external stress, not much else seems to exist. I am the first to admit my blindness (and for those who know me, not speaking literally here).
This is not a guilt trip by any stretch of the imagination. But there are emergencies out there that are played out day after day after day. It's not just the stuff that hits the papers or the six o'clock news.
Let's stand with our sisters and brothers who face these emergencies, so they know they aren't alone.
The thing that struck me, which I have heard talked about in theory, was how everyone responded after the accident. We were in the middle of Sunshine and my first thought was that someone would get out of their car and have a go, at someone, anyone. But that didn't happen. Obviously all that were involved were shaken and upset. This is normal. But everyone was asking everyone else, "are you alright". A friend of mine writes about this in one of his books. He calls it (or maybe he borrowed the term) communitas. It basically means when a group of people go through an adverse situation together, they get drawn closer together. Now, I'm not saying that everyone in the accident is going to catch up for dinner (although that would be interesting). But the way people seemed to show genuine care was enough to make the whole trauma a little better.
I am also aware that we have seen so many examples of this through history. Through tragic bushfires, through floods, bombings etc. It is not unusual for people to react this way. I was however expecting far worse.
I guess what I was thinking was that it is sad that people only draw closer together when there seems to be some obvious tragedy. But isn't it a tragedy that there are thousands of homeless people on our streets? Isn't is a tragedy that children die because of neglect and abuse? Isn't it a tragedy that in third world countries people are suffering because of the lack of medicine that we could pick up off the supermarket shelves?
Are we just too blind to see? Or are our immediate, up front in your face problems the centre of our universe?
I know when I am facing either severe internal or external stress, not much else seems to exist. I am the first to admit my blindness (and for those who know me, not speaking literally here).
This is not a guilt trip by any stretch of the imagination. But there are emergencies out there that are played out day after day after day. It's not just the stuff that hits the papers or the six o'clock news.
Let's stand with our sisters and brothers who face these emergencies, so they know they aren't alone.
Friday, August 28, 2009
talk is cheap
So we have started a thing in Footscray called "Jive Talk", which is a social conversation based around different issues that affect us on many different levels. The idea is that we get a guest speaker in each month at our local cafe, "The Dancing Dog" and have them speak for half an hour on the topic of their field, then enter the bar/cafe area after that for conversation. It seems that the project is gaining momentum early in it's life and we hope that it grows.
We are also hopeful that it isn't just a group of middle class people sitting around throwing around ideas and not doing anything about it. I guess it's the tension between action and reflection. It is vital to talk about what's going on in our world. There seems to be an absence of this. Our media throws so much at us that is irrelevant or misleading. I feel that the media machine is a huge contributor to the massive sense of apathy we have in our culture. As a sense of fear grips our country and countries like the US and Britain, we cling to our belongings and make sure we look after number one. Loving our neighbour, let alone loving our enemy becomes virtually impossible. We are all trying to survive, to make it to the next financial year above the line and keeping a loving eye on how our fellow human is doing hasn't any room in this equasion.
SO, back to Jive Talk. Through this process, we are hoping that as we engage with very specific issues like homelessness, addiction, grief and death, peace and nonviolence and others that we can move from dialogue to active participation. It doesn't mean that everyone has to get involved in everything either. We can't do all things and we can't be all things to all people. But we hope that an awakening of the human spirit will occur. That people will stand up and say NO, it's not good enough. Let's let the voice of the people permeate through the streets with the birth pangs of the world. Let's stand with our broken brothers and sisters and cry with them. Let's not pretend that all is roses and that if I am ok, then the world is ok.
I am excited about what is to follow. I am distressed with the state of affairs and know that many others are as well. So let brother and sister, black and white, gay and straight, short and tall, blonde and brunette stand together and celebrate diversity, equality and a voice of love.
We are also hopeful that it isn't just a group of middle class people sitting around throwing around ideas and not doing anything about it. I guess it's the tension between action and reflection. It is vital to talk about what's going on in our world. There seems to be an absence of this. Our media throws so much at us that is irrelevant or misleading. I feel that the media machine is a huge contributor to the massive sense of apathy we have in our culture. As a sense of fear grips our country and countries like the US and Britain, we cling to our belongings and make sure we look after number one. Loving our neighbour, let alone loving our enemy becomes virtually impossible. We are all trying to survive, to make it to the next financial year above the line and keeping a loving eye on how our fellow human is doing hasn't any room in this equasion.
SO, back to Jive Talk. Through this process, we are hoping that as we engage with very specific issues like homelessness, addiction, grief and death, peace and nonviolence and others that we can move from dialogue to active participation. It doesn't mean that everyone has to get involved in everything either. We can't do all things and we can't be all things to all people. But we hope that an awakening of the human spirit will occur. That people will stand up and say NO, it's not good enough. Let's let the voice of the people permeate through the streets with the birth pangs of the world. Let's stand with our broken brothers and sisters and cry with them. Let's not pretend that all is roses and that if I am ok, then the world is ok.
I am excited about what is to follow. I am distressed with the state of affairs and know that many others are as well. So let brother and sister, black and white, gay and straight, short and tall, blonde and brunette stand together and celebrate diversity, equality and a voice of love.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I'm back
Well, I had completely forgotten I created this over a year ago, but stumbled across it again. I have been meaning to get back into writing so here goes.
There has been much going on over the last twelve months. Many changes in my own world and the world around us. The US have a new president, our Prime Minister said "sorry" and some people believed it, and others thought is wasn't worth much at all, I have been in a wonderful relationship and happy it is going so well.
One thing that hasn't changed as long as I can remember, and as long as history books go back is the presence of war in our world. The struggle here is multi-faceted. We are at war on so many levels, and most of these levels we are not aware of. We are engaged in personal wars. The little voices in our head that continue to reek havoc. The wars in our own neighbourhoods. These ones are more prominent. The drug war, the gambling war, the consumeristic war. We are told to buy everything, cover our butts and make sure we are comfortable. And yes, forget about the 95% of the world that don't have clean water, basic health care or any kind of stability. It's crazy. I was in my backyard the other day and noticed the most prominent sounds around me was the traffic (I live by a main road), the birds and the occasional siren, which could be ambulance, police or fire. It struck me that we are so fortunate to live in a place where the dominant sounds in the background aren't morter or gunfire.
Imagine if this was the scene where you live. Would you get used to it? Would you become desensitized to it? It scares me to know that there are children in these places who go out to play and come back with severe injuries from finding old landmines or not at all.
We face wars every single day and for the most part, we either ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist. We pretend we don't know that this or that brand is produced in labour camps. We ignore the fact that a great deal of our clothing comes out of sweat shops. Are we too weak to make our own choices or are we too resigned to the face that this is the way it is and we can't do anything about it?
Many questions. I'd like to keep writing and I'm not too fussed if no-one sees what I write. But if you do, and if you have thoughts or complaints or anything.... please share them.
There has been much going on over the last twelve months. Many changes in my own world and the world around us. The US have a new president, our Prime Minister said "sorry" and some people believed it, and others thought is wasn't worth much at all, I have been in a wonderful relationship and happy it is going so well.
One thing that hasn't changed as long as I can remember, and as long as history books go back is the presence of war in our world. The struggle here is multi-faceted. We are at war on so many levels, and most of these levels we are not aware of. We are engaged in personal wars. The little voices in our head that continue to reek havoc. The wars in our own neighbourhoods. These ones are more prominent. The drug war, the gambling war, the consumeristic war. We are told to buy everything, cover our butts and make sure we are comfortable. And yes, forget about the 95% of the world that don't have clean water, basic health care or any kind of stability. It's crazy. I was in my backyard the other day and noticed the most prominent sounds around me was the traffic (I live by a main road), the birds and the occasional siren, which could be ambulance, police or fire. It struck me that we are so fortunate to live in a place where the dominant sounds in the background aren't morter or gunfire.
Imagine if this was the scene where you live. Would you get used to it? Would you become desensitized to it? It scares me to know that there are children in these places who go out to play and come back with severe injuries from finding old landmines or not at all.
We face wars every single day and for the most part, we either ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist. We pretend we don't know that this or that brand is produced in labour camps. We ignore the fact that a great deal of our clothing comes out of sweat shops. Are we too weak to make our own choices or are we too resigned to the face that this is the way it is and we can't do anything about it?
Many questions. I'd like to keep writing and I'm not too fussed if no-one sees what I write. But if you do, and if you have thoughts or complaints or anything.... please share them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)