temporary

Everything we seem to go through as humsns feels permanent. I have noticed this especially when it comes to pain. Is it the human condition that when we experience pain, we feel that it is going to last forever and we have no way out? I remember watching a video years ago about the band Black Sabbath. The drummer was talking about how he had tried to kill himself four times. He was able to get through whatever it was that was leading him to attempt suicide and see things differently. He made this statement, "suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem". Personally I have never felt the urge or had the thoughts of killing myself, thankfully, but I have during many times felt that the way I was feeling would never stop. I know intellectually if I look back in my life, there are ample examples of times where I've felt so helpless, distressed and confused that there seemed to be no way out. I find it interesting that as humans, our memory span can be quite short. Kind of like how people always say, 'haven't they learnt that war never achieves anything?' or 'history always repeats, we've obviously learnt nothing from the past'.

I watched this short documentary on the brain and the neurons and electrons and how we process and store information and memories. It's incredible. We have more sparks firing in our brain than there are stars in the universe. All of these brain sparks are interconnected and perform like an intricate orchestra. The narrator was saying that on their own, the neurons aren't that special, but as they fire together and interract with each other, it invokes a dance of creativity, memory and thought. It's quite a spin out.

So what does this all mean? Honestly, I have no idea. But it's interesting and I guess has something to do with our practical lives. If everything starts from a thought, and our thoughts are processed and accumulated and reprocessed and moulded into our beliefs, our values and our actions, then I wonder if we need to pay closer attention to our narratives as humans?


Or, maybe it's all just mumbo jumbo!!!

I am curious to see how I behave today was influenced by what I heard, saw, tasted, smelled and touched yesterday. Is it possible to objectively look at one's past and make informed decisions about one's future?

Maybe I am digging in the wrong places, but I'd like to think that at least I'm digging. When you are an anxious man, as I am, one can either try to put up with it and make the most of a not so pleasant circumstance, or one can explore alternatives. Should we settle for what we have, for who we are and for what the world tells us we should have, who we should be and where we are going? Are we completely defined by forces that are out of our control?

I think ultimately, I'd rather be influenced and moulded by the One whose image I was created in. This is a massive statement I know, but I believe that we are created in the image of God and even knowing what that image is, isn't always so clear. But I guess we get the best picture through Jesus. So, keeping close to Jesus, not religion is important in that respect.

I do believe that we are all created as total individuals. We have our own potential and unique ways of being human. But I also believe that we are interconnected and play a huge role in helping, moulding and defining each other.

To stay isolated is to die. To stay connected is to live. I think this happens on a couple of levels. We can't isolate ourselves from others. I know for me, when I have other people around, they help me to grow in many ways. Just the pure joy of being around people is enough of an argument. Granted, we all need our quiet, private times too.

We also need to stay connected with ourselves, with our thoughts, feelings and spirits. I know for a long time, I have been afraid of myself. To see what lies underneith all of the conditioning, the fears and the lies. I think to see one's self as God sees us is to be free. Free from fear, free from the world and and free to be human.

I'm not exactly sure why I wrote all of this, but it has helped me to vent, and I'm sure there's more to come.

Stay human

"Michael Franti"

The inner warrior!

I often feel ripped off that the childhood that I had ill prepared me for the now life that I live. This is probably not the healthiest way of thinking and in trying to crack the proverbial code, much pain, confusion and discomfort joins in.

In many ways, I can see where things may have gone astray, where my thinking, beliefs and reactions were formed and cemented into my "default" structures. It seems that re-wiring these defaults is much harder said than done.

I have, however, made progress over the past few years and that is a positive thing. The fact that I acknowledge that this is a positive thing in itself is movement. I have had a tendancy to ultimately think the worst, and in many cases sabotaged myself to get the outcome that is already in my head before it actually happens. CONFUSED???? Me too!

So anyway, I find that at another cross-road I need to dive into myself yet again and I can see now that I need to dive a little deeper. There is unfinished business that needs my attention. It's funny, there are times when I feel so strong, pumped and ready to go to those places like a soldier warrior, and other times when the mere thought of having to keep fighting brings me to my knees. But alas, this is what needs to be done. I am ready to face my demons, look them in the eye and bid them farewell.

and Crash again...

So much happens in life, that I find it hard to know how to respond to it all. My last post I spoke about the car accident that my (now ex) girlfriend was involved in. Since then, I have broken up with my ex-girlfriend and felt the immense ripping of a seperated relationship.

The decision was mutual and come to with much discussion and contemplation. I am grateful that we have a friendship still, very grateful.

Something I've noticed however over the last few days is my inevitable tendancy to react. I have been throwing around ideas in my head over the last year or so about the notion that as humans we generally "react" to what's happening around us or to us. I've found that this can be both beneficial and hindering depending on the circumstance. My first train of thought based on this was that reactions are on the most part unhealthy. I think I still believe this, but in many cases, reactions are necessary. Through seeing multiple psychiatrists/psychologists, I have learnt, which is now very obvious, that reactions such as fear are helpful in certain cases. For example, if you were to be walking too close to a cliff face and underfoot you should feel loose rocks that start tumbling down the steep cliff face, a healthy dose of fear (fight or flight) will tell you that you should probably move away from the edge.

What I have started to consider today is that as I said above, I generally have the "react" mode concreted to the ON position and forget that there are other options. The other option I have been thinking of is the "response" option. The response option works on many levels. During relationship conflict, through criticism, when we view injustice or other type stimuli.

I have considered this at length and know very well that it is much easier said than done. I know for example, now that I am single again I have jumped into "react" mode. I start to fear. This is a sure sign (I believe) of being in the 'react' state. I fear I am too old now to meet someone. I fear getting involved in a new relationship, I fear I made wrong choices, I fear I fear I fear!!!

Fear generally comes (for me) when I do not allow myself the time (mentally, emotionally and spiritally) to properly respond to what is happening. This has been made clear to me during a few occasions. When I have sat down, meditated and chosen to relax or be positive, my whole state of being alters. So this implies the element of choice. We need to CHOOSE whether we 'react' or 'respond'.

I guess I needed to write this, to help clarify my own thoughts on the matter, but I hope it made sense if anyone else out there happens across it.

React or respond???

Crash!

Two days ago, my girlfriend and I were involved in a five car pile up in Sunshine. Everyone is ok, with the exception of some whiplash. I never knew what whiplash was until now. It's not fun. That being said, there was no major damage to anyone involved. My girl's car however is a ride-off.

The thing that struck me, which I have heard talked about in theory, was how everyone responded after the accident. We were in the middle of Sunshine and my first thought was that someone would get out of their car and have a go, at someone, anyone. But that didn't happen. Obviously all that were involved were shaken and upset. This is normal. But everyone was asking everyone else, "are you alright". A friend of mine writes about this in one of his books. He calls it (or maybe he borrowed the term) communitas. It basically means when a group of people go through an adverse situation together, they get drawn closer together. Now, I'm not saying that everyone in the accident is going to catch up for dinner (although that would be interesting). But the way people seemed to show genuine care was enough to make the whole trauma a little better.

I am also aware that we have seen so many examples of this through history. Through tragic bushfires, through floods, bombings etc. It is not unusual for people to react this way. I was however expecting far worse.

I guess what I was thinking was that it is sad that people only draw closer together when there seems to be some obvious tragedy. But isn't it a tragedy that there are thousands of homeless people on our streets? Isn't is a tragedy that children die because of neglect and abuse? Isn't it a tragedy that in third world countries people are suffering because of the lack of medicine that we could pick up off the supermarket shelves?

Are we just too blind to see? Or are our immediate, up front in your face problems the centre of our universe?
I know when I am facing either severe internal or external stress, not much else seems to exist. I am the first to admit my blindness (and for those who know me, not speaking literally here).

This is not a guilt trip by any stretch of the imagination. But there are emergencies out there that are played out day after day after day. It's not just the stuff that hits the papers or the six o'clock news.

Let's stand with our sisters and brothers who face these emergencies, so they know they aren't alone.