Just be....

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks and there's probably a couple of reasons for that. Firstly, I have been riding the proverbial roller-coaster of life which includes so much emotion, thought and action. Sometimes there is just not enough energy to articulate what is going through my head and other times there is just no words for it. And secondly, I try to make a point of not simply posting things for the sake of it.

I've been thinking a lot lately of possibly going back to study next year. I've also been thinking of travelling next year. And I've also been thinking about buying a flashy computer which would enable me to record my music at home more easily. Options!!!

The study thing is curious. I have for a long time had adverse feelings toward studying. To start with, I'm not exactly sure what I want to study. There are a few options that I've looked at, but I'm still mulling over them. In my younger years, I never really found study all that easy, not that it should be either. But wth my vision impairement, everything seemed to take double the effort and triple the time. And of course, like this blog, I don't want to simply study for the sake of it.

Travel is an interesting one as well. For so long I have fought the temptation to travel. Throwing around all kinds of excuses such as; it's too expensive, ethical reasons, sight reasons, etc. I have weighed up the pros and cons of it and now I am probably straying toward the side that it might be a good idea. To just get out of town. To put oneself in another culture and experience life with new lenses. But again, I am still thinking.

The third option I have is the musical option. This one seems to be the most attractive at the moment. To have the capacity to plug in and record my own work at home would be great. I have the desire to produce my own music, the way I want it produced and to learn the art of recording. We shall see in due time.

I have said to friends in the past that as humans, we are not designed to be productive robots, but to be faithful to who we are, and to be faithful to our Maker. And it seems at this time I could use a dose of my own advise. Funny how we can dish out handfuls of wise words, but when it comes to ourselves, we tend to put on the blinkers and measure ourselves by a whole new set of standards.

Anyways, that's all for me today. I will try and remember my own words this sunny afternoon.

Till I find my poncho...

Perspective, part 2.

Today, as like many other days, I was sitting at the Dancing Dog cafe sipping on a lemon drink when a youngish Ethiopian man came up to me. He asked if he could have a cigarette. But before asking, he stretched out his hand to greet me. I thought this was lovely. Most of the times when I am approached in Footscray for a cigarette, it's a fairly quick transaction. Before I had a chance to say yes, he had sat down next to me and I agreed to his request. He started to tell me about the last couple days he had just had. A tale of state trustees, money, addiction, mental health problems and probably not so obvious, but isolation. He was very honest about his problems. He told me that he'd had an argument with state trustees, that they wouldn't give him some money until next week. This is a common problem, one that I've heard people complain about on many occasions. As he sat down and rolled his cigarette, he told his tale with an aire of hopelessness. On finishing his rolling, he got up, shook my hand firmly, as to say thanks without saying thanks, and departed. (He did also verbally thank me as well)

I sat back and watched him leave, crossing the road and it got me thinking. I know I have probably mentioned this before, but when I step out of my own skin and meet someone in theirs, things seem to become clearer. This man was obviously in a pretty bad way. I'm also in a pretty bad way, or so I thought. I guess it's the old saying, "well pain, it's relative". And I guess it is. One doesn't want to downgrade their scenario to insignificant in the sight of someone elses pain, but I think it's important to be open and aware that human suffering (on whichever level) is human. I didn't walk away thinking, well I'm alright because this guy isn't, but I walked away thinking that through the story and connectedness of our stories, our pain is shared.

I guess in a way, the encounter simply helped me put my own world in a little more perspective.

Till I find my poncho...

Perspective.

I've been thinking so much lately that at times I lose perspective. I know I have a huge swing toward over analyzing myself and the world. Maybe even writing this is a sure sign of that. I felt maybe it was time to give my neurons a rest and just post something a little lighter.

But what???

I'm not sure. I guess I could talk about what's happening with me musically at the moment? But to be honest, there isn't heaps happening in that department. Although I have started writing a couple of new songs this past week, which I feel one of them is quite good. It's called, 'Sweet summer nights'. It's been a song that has I guess helped me get through some of the thoughts and feelings I've been going through. Maybe when I get it recorded I'll post it on here. For me, it's a song about hope, especially when at times, I don't have a strong sense of hope. The chorus talks about how "soon i'll be breathing, sweet summer nights". Helps me to put in perspective that we do live seasonal lives and that, yes it's true that it's cold and wintery now, but soon, we will all breath sweet summer nights.

That's all for me today, keep it in the grey!!

Till I find my poncho...

the power of words

Over the past few weeks, I've been observing how language and words can impact how I perceive and respond to the world. This is particularly relevant for how I respond to my inner world. I have noticed that the slightest things can trigger off different thoughts and feelings. I have come to see the importance of narrative and story in the context of daily life. It is true that we all have varying degrees of struggles, some which are chronic and some which are acute. The story for me has been a great anchor in putting my own struggles in perspective. I think once I isolate my problems and make them unique, I fall into a self destructive pattern of thinking. But when I can see that as humans, we all deal with very similar challenges, the problems seem to be shared and the load lightened. It's true also with encouragement. When we open our ears and listen to others' stories, we can often find the common thread and take courage from their story. I noticed that even the smallest amount of encouragement goes a very long way. In the same way, the slightest amount of negativity can have the opposite effect.

I think it is true that words and speech have such a powerful impact on crafting who we are as people. And maybe it's a matter of having an adequate filter to know what to absorb and what to let run off. I know for me, I have had the tendancy to absorb some very unhealthy ways of thinking and being and possibly deflecting healthier ways of thinking and living. So ultimately, it comes down to choice.

I know that this is less likely to happen as a youngster who tends to absorb everything and might not have the capacity to filter. But choosing our words wisely and adopting our world views carefully is so important.

Blah !!!

Till I find my poncho...

the long road

It's been a long road, and the sun appears from behind the clouds. The wind is light and cool and keeps everything in perspective. The road is rocky but stable, no chance of rolling my ankle, only the occasional slip to my wrists. Each time I turn back to see what has been, I slip but as I keep my eyes fixed forward, I walk tall and straight. It's a long road, indeed it is, but the scenery keeps my attention well entertained. My companions are on the same long road. It's good to be with them, they remind me that none of us walk this long road alone, even though at times we take different forks in it. The times I keep my hands in my pocket, I am certainly alone and deny the company of strangers. Yet when I extend, reach out and hold my companions hand, to ensure they walk on, I know we can make it together.

The long road is not so long with company.

Till I find my poncho...

I am an onion!

I feel like Shrek at the moment. The whole analogy of peeling away the layers of an onion is great. I think that as we grow, we shed layers of ourselves that are no longer useful. I have heard many people say that when you get old, I mean older than 70 that you don't have the same worries and concerns that younger people have. Maybe this is because over the course of their lives, they gradually shed their onion layers. I know in terms of following Jesus, there is a lot to be said about shedding our skins. About losing our lives to find it and about putting on the "new" self and shedding the "old" self.

I think one of the key elements to this truth is that when we shed our old skins, we need to make sure we are putting on the new skin. It's not enough to simply throw away all our clothes without replacing them. This works on a few levels. If we decide to go completely fair trade, then we need to rearrange our whole wardrobe to coincide with our belief system. This might not happen straight away. It might take stages, possibly starting with pants and shirts, then moving to underwear, then to shoes etc. I guess the same is true with putting on the new self. Maybe it takes a process of slowly and gradually re-arranging our spiritual, emotional and intellectual wardrobes, so we are not left naked and cold, but clothed well for the season we are in.

Maybe..... just a thought.

Till I find my poncho...

I see the truth, and I'm angry!

It says in the Bible that the truth will set you free. After going through what I've been experiencing over the past few weeks, I think that the truth makes you angry! I believe that the truth does set us free from what sometimes are unseen bondages. I think this works on so many levels. I can only speak from my own experience.

At the moment, I am going through a process of discovering more about myself, my past, my motivations and my deepest fears. I guess I can see the freedom that will come, but at the moment I feel angry. I feel angry because a lot of what I'm experiencing number one has lay under my conscious radar for so long and two, that in so many cases, I acted apon these un-revealed forces and made choices based around them and due to them.

I kind of like the feeling of anger as well. I think in the past I have been afraid of being angry. My personality shows that I don't like to offend, I don't like others to be angry with me and if they are, does that mean we don't have a healthy relationship. But I'm starting to see that anger can be a great motivator in and of itself. I don't believe it is healthy to live in anger. In the same way, it's not healthy to dwell in a perception of constant bliss.

My anger at the moment is such a strong incentive to move past this state. I don't for a second want to be in a permanent state of anger, but maybe it's useful to drive me forward, instead of living in fear which tends to bog me down in the past.

BLAH, hopefully thhis is making sense.

Till I find my poncho...

Lazarus.

I've been thinking a bit about the story of Lazarus in the Bible. He was a good friend of Jesus and fell very sick and died. Jesus was a little way off, maybe two days walk and heard that his mate was not doing so well. He sent word that he would head over to Bethany but didn't arrive there till four days after Lazarus has died. Mary, Lazarus' sister said to Jesus, "Lord, if only you were here, our brother would still be alive." The story goes on and Jesus ends up bringing his friend back to life.

This story has got me thinking a lot about the way things in my life have died and the feelings and thoughts that come along with them. It has also nurtured some questions in my heart about the nature of God and Jesus. Does Jesus let things die, so that from the grave something new can be born? Does he mourn for our losses as we do? If we trust in Him, will things turn out ok in the end?

I can see through the gospels that Jesus wasn't about simply preventing death, but bringing new life to those who followed his way and believed in him. Instead of trusting in the worldly systems, structures and value systems, He calls us to believe in Him. He says, "I am the way, the truth and the life.".

I know for me, I struggle at the moment letting go. I know that things in this world are temporary and that ultimately, my Father in heaven is with me through all the hard times.

Maybe Jesus lets things die so we can learn more about who we are as humans and how we relate to ourselves, to others and to God.

I'm pretty sure that Jesus wasn't about living in a fluffy little bubble where we don't experience what it means to be fully human. Jesus himself came from a place of glory to dwell among us and to be fully human too. So it makes sense that he wants us to embrace our humanity and also our divinity at the same time.

I guess sometimes dying means cutting off old dead branches that do not produce any healthy fruit and need to go. But it's not always easy. When we sever off a part of ourselves that we've had for so long, there is pain and a sense of loss, even when what we lose is no longer beneficial.

For me, I feel at the moment, I am shedding old ways of thinking, old beliefs and old perseptions of who I am. I know I need this to happen to move forward and keep growing into the person my Maker sees. It is definately one of the hardest times I have faced, but also so amazing. There is a strong sense of direction in these times and I guess understanding that the journey is so vital, means I can live day to day, instead of focussing on an end point. Well that's the theory anyway. It's always easier said than done.

So as I come to terms with the old, dead parts of me, I anticipate the new-growth and what will follow.

Till I find my poncho....

The 'dreaded' experience.

Yesterday I went out to East St Kilda to have my dreadlocks worked on. I found a guy on the web suitably named "Dr Dread" and made an appointment. He and his girlfriend work from their share house and mainly do this job as something on the side. I was greeted by "Dr Dread" and he welcomed me in to a home that felt in many ways quite familiar. There was music playing with immediately tickled my senses and wooden floor boards gave the place a holiday house type feel. The Dr worked on my dreads by himself for about an hour before his partner arrived home. During this time we shared our stories. We both spoke of what we did for work, what music we're into and the many different concerts we had been to. It turns out that we had more than likely been to at least three of the same shows. It definately is a small world out there.

After a while, his partner rolled in after her day at work and she began to help tighten and make pretty my dreads. And again with her, we spoke of our lives and shared different experiences we had either shared or would share in the future. It turns out that we are all going to the Pearl Jam and Ben Harper show in November. Would be nice to bump into them there.

So after a while, the other housemate arrived and the conversation grew and developed. My good friend "The Captain" rolled up as well as he was to pick me up. Then phone call after phone call different friends started to arrive until the lounge that had once just occupied myself and the Dr was full. The stories were flying across the room, this way, that way and there was an energetic buzz.

At one point, the tenant's landlord made his presence via the back door (which led me to think his property was either behind them or he just enjoyed using the back door). Everyone asked how he was and this opened the windor for another eccentric story. The "Landlord" was very animated, probably in his late forties and explained his huge confusion over a DVD/VCR recorder, set top boxes and HD versus 'the old way'.

The Dr, a little earlier had gone into the kitchen and pulled out a six pack of beer and brought it out onto the coffee table, slid a cold one into a stubbie holder and handed it to me. I smiled and said, "Well this is service!" There was no question of, "would you like one?" no awkwardness but an unsaid understanding. It was very warming. As I listened to this household's stories, struggles and intricate dynamics, I felt like I had been flung into a reality TV show. I didn't know the characters, I didn't understand the problems as I had only heard snippets here and there. This was ok though. These strange new friends obviously didn't mind openly sharing their dirty laundry in front of a complete stranger and I didn't mind hearing it. I found most of the conversations quite interesting.

So the Dr and his girl started to finish up and at the end I went to the bathroom to inspect their work and then re-entered the lounge room. At this the Dr offered myself and The Captain another beer or any other sort of drink and we politely declined as we were off to have some dinner. Some of the guys who were there said to us as we left, "Pop in any time for a beer!!" "Cheers mate!" We both exclaimed and departed.

In three months or so, I will probably need to go back to have some more work done. I think next time I'd like to stay for that second beer and get to know these guys a little more. I found the whole experience very intriguing. Definately more fun than sitting in a beauty salon. There was a strong sense of community and belonging, even though I doubt it was ever spoken or studied. Was nice to slide into this little sub-culture and hear a few new stories.

Till I find my poncho...

Black, white or grey?

I am wrestling with the idea of living in the 'grey'. It has come to my attention that I tend to view the world in a black and white way. Absolutes are interesting things. For me, it seems like when I use absolutes I am living in judgement of something. 'This thing is good', or 'That thing is bad'. I'm speaking in terms of experiences mainly. This also applies to inner feelings or thoughts. But when I say judgement, I'm not talking about the classical Christian judgement but rather adding meaning to something that maybe doesn't have to be qualified. When I add an absolute judgement to something, I give it power over me. But if I look at a situation and say, "well, it just is what it is, it's neither good nor bad", then I can critique the scenario without attaching unnecessary emotion.

I'm not saying that things aren't bad sometimes or great sometimes. I think it's important to view each experience for what it is and not magnify it too much. I was talking to a friend yesterday about a book called "Tuesday's With Morrie". A fantastic book based on a true story about an old sociology professor who is dying of a debilitating disease. Someome asks him, 'How do you stay so positive when you are inevitably going to die, and die in such a painful, nasty way? Don't you cry and mourn?' Morrie replies by saying, 'I cry. I wake up every morning, lie in my bed (because he cannot move anymore) and mourn. I feel the emotions of what I'm going through and say to myself, Ok, this is what it feels like to mourn/grieve, I feel it and let it go.' He talks about feeling the emotion fully, not denying it or suppressing it, but experiencing it fully. He says that this way he doesn't have to fear the feelings, but rather accept them and move forward. I like this idea. And since I've read the book four times, I recomment anyone who may be reading this post to check it out.

So living in the grey! This is my challenge for today. As I encounter life's little speed bumps, and sometimes huge pot holes, I will attempt to be more aware of my responses and try to live somewhere in the middle. Trying not to shove aside my feelings, but to feel them fully and then let them pass. Maybe this has something to do with being fully human. To experience both the beauty and the pain in it's entirety. Balance.

Till I find my poncho...

bleary eyed, bleary mind

Today has been long. It's ten past midnight and I'm still up. I managed to get through the day unscathed and feeling pretty good. Caught up with some good friends who always have something interesting to tell me. I love 'doco-man'. He always comes to me and says, "Anth, I watched this doco last night!!" and it's always with much gusto and excitement. And to which I reply, "of course you did".

I don't really have any earth shattering revelations or metaphores or ideas right now. I guess it's because it's so late and part of my mind is already wrapped in my blanket. I simply felt the urge to write. I just went through a heap of new templates for me blog, so hopefully it looks a little trendier on the eye. Is that word still being used, 'trendy'? Ah well, I tell old man jokes, I may as well use old man language!

I did go and see a friend in a one man theatre show tonight. I had seen it before but was very taken by it and felt I could see it again. It's a comedy based on a neurotic garson (waiter) at a fancy coctail bar. It's basically the story of him getting to work, the mishaps and mental anguish he experiences there and how he manages to get through the night after a heavy night, the night before.

I find it interesting to see someone who I actually know performing and playing the part of someone so different. Well, I think the character he played is a little different anyway. It kind of got me thinking (just then as I was typing) that we all at some time or another play a part, a role, put on a mask or pretend to be someone we're not.

I know at times I put on the brave face, the happy face, the tolerant face or the patient face when I know that it doesn't really suit the situation. I'm not referring to any time in particular, but I guess it's true of all of us.

Been thinking a lot over the past week about what it means to be truely human. I know this is a huge question and one I've probably touched on before. I just thought I'd throw it out there.

For now, I am leaving the ridiculous world of cyber space and resting my head in slumber-space.

Till I find my poncho....